Monday 11 May 2009

My top ten video game boobs and why my choices are better than Gamespots. Fuck you gamespot.

Does Gamespot have a top ten boobs list?
I don't know and I don't care.
I'm not about to spend five minutes googling to find out,
that would be dangerously close to actual research and us modern, hip & happening video game journalists don't have time for that old fashioned shit.

Fuck yeah casual sexism.


10: Kasumi's left boob - dead or alive



That left one is perfect. One can see the care and attention that a small army of japanese boob artisans placed into this fine collection of pixels.

The right one looks like a bit of a rush job though. I can picture them crossing out "finish Kasumi's right boob" from a whiteboard during the last hours of crunch-time.

The darkest software development secrets are unveiled right here folks.


9 & 8: Candy/Honey - Fighting Vipers



This girl holds a special place in my libido.
For much of my youth, I mercilessly resold and exchanged my games,
always eager to acquire the newest wondergame.
But I kept my copy of Fighting Vipers on the Sega Saturn for far longer than most of it's (far superior) contemporaries just because Honey's ending was the hottest thing my poor, innocent, pre-internet-abuse eyes had ever seen.



This ending was the closest I came to a secret porn stash as a teen.
Yes I'm a nerd. Fuck you.


7 & 6: Mai Shiranui - fatal fury/the king of fighters.



The first bouncing boobs in video game history? I'm no game historian (like Prof. T. Frog) but I'm going to say; of course, duh.
Discovering the code to "unlock" the bouncing animation in the bizarrely censored PAL version of KOF 94 was a watershed moment in my teenage years.

And umpteen years later, I still maintain that her victory cry sounds much more like "me bouncy/pointy" than "Nippon ichi!"

SNK are clearly telling FILTHY LINGUISTIC LIES to cover their thinly veiled perversions.




5 &4: Taki - soul calibur



Sophitia may have panty flashing down to a finely honed Grecian art
and Ivy's ever increasing bust size has gone from a running joke into something rapidly approaching the grotesque
(by soul calibur 6, they will be a fighting arena unto themselves)

But Taki is a ninja
and everyone knows that female ninjas are the sluttiest of all mammals.

Proof:



VISIBLE IN-GAME NINJA-NIPPLES!.




3 & 2: Lulu - final fantasy x



This pouting goth MILF never once left my team during the 100+ hours I sank into this game,
this was partially because she was armed with a Cactor of INSTANT DEATH
(something that never once stopped being awesome for a single nano-second)

but mainly it was because of this win pose:



[edit] what the fuck internet?
not one screen shot of the most revealing pose in all of final fantasy?
I...I don't know what to think...
I'm confused and afraid.

All I could find was a selection of slightly dodgy cosplayers emulating said pose.
I chose the best of these to illustrate my point.


*Sigh* It's just not the same.


1: Lara Crofts great big super boob.




Ah, the boobs that built a franchise...
A franchise built upon the solid foundation of a truly great first game and the lust of millions of teenage boys aimed at Lara's mighty uniboob.


Subsequent advances in video game boobology added a second breast, curved boob surfaces and surprisingly restrained & subtle bouncing effects.
But my heart (and gargantuan throbbing boner) will always point towards that wonderful initial game and that razor-sharp polygonal chest



Look at it.... LOOK AT IT!.





That's enough of this soul draining link baiting trash.,
I have revealed too much of my deepest inner workings.
Goodnight!



coming next week, the top ten video game testicles!